The Best Reasons

In the Pacific Northwest, we have the best reasons to not go vegan.

Here I’ve compiled some favorites.

“Dogs didn’t discover electricity.”

You “wouldn’t swerve onto grass to avoid running over a dog or a person.”

You’d “have to watch that you don’t step on ants every second of your life.”

“Eating an apple murders a seed.”

“Elephants are cannibalistic carnivores that would eat us and each other.”

“If we didn’t eat farmed animals, they’d eat us.”

You “were a vegan activist but later had to switch to a 100% meat diet for your health.”

“People die of cholesterol deficiency.”

Your “spirit animal is a wolf.”

You “can talk to animals, and they say they don’t mind being slaughtered.”

“Animals are literally inanimate objects incapable of any emotion or thought.”

You’d “have to stop washing your hands because, otherwise, you’d kill microbes.”

You’d “have to abstain from any sexual activity to avoid sperm death.”

“Other creatures’ souls must be consumed in order to healthily sustain one’s mind and body.”

Your “cat would eat you if it had the chance.”

“Sometimes soldiers have to live out in the forest and defend our freedom.”

“Adam and Eve hunted.”

“Jesus rode a donkey.”

“Cows will explode if we don’t milk them.”

“Since turkeys can’t naturally reproduce anymore, our forced impregnation of them is a favor.”

“Hitler was a vegetarian.”

You “wouldn’t mind being eaten by aliens.”

Your “body is allergic to and intolerant of all sources of protein except meat.”

“Modern city dwellers would die without the use of animal skins for warmth.”

“Lions eat their young.”

“Cows are abusive parents, so taking their calves is a favor.”

“For genes’ goal of genetic proliferation, factory farming is the biggest favor we can give animals.”

“Hippos kill for fun.”

“Sugar causes heart disease.”

“Chickens are rude.”

You “learned from dissecting corpses and examining arteries that humans should only eat meat.”

“Pigs are a crop.”

“Bulls are horrible and violent, so we have to kill male calves.”